"Do You Believe Christ, or Do You Just Believe In Christ?"

September 30, 2013



Dear Family,

"Do you believe Christ, or do you just believe in Christ?" This quote really resounds with me right now. I had a hard week, and I didn't think I would write about it, but I think it's important to share even the hard experiences especially because it gives me the opportunity to reflect on the things that I've learned. I have never felt the way I felt this past week, throughout my entire mission. I've had ups and downs, of course, but what I went through this week was so much different than anything I've experienced. I don't really know when it started, but I know when it hit me the hardest. I started to feel myself pulling away from Sister Burwell. I think it's just a defense for when she finishes her mission, because the last time we were separated it was very hard for me. Thoughts of competitiveness and comparing kept coming to my mind, and I felt like I can never be a missionary like Sister Burwell. As I continued to entertain those thoughts, I would realize that those thoughts aren't from God, but I felt like as hard as I tried I couldn't get them out of my mind. I then started to have thoughts of inadequacy and shortcomings. I felt like I wasn't measuring up to what President Castro thought I would become, what my family thought I would become, and most importantly what the Lord wanted me to become. I've never felt so lost and alone when I was constantly around people. I just felt disgusted with myself, and then I'd realize how I was feeling and become more upset because I allowed myself to feel that way. It seemed to me like the weaknesses that I've worked the hardest to change on my mission had not been strengthened in any way. Sister Burwell knew that there was something wrong. She told me that I've looked like there was just a cloud around me that was trapping me. I started to recognize that I was experiencing some kind of depression. Sister Burwell has been so patient with me throughout this. I'm sure it's been really hard for her, because she has so much going on herself. I mean, she's going home soon. That's enough to think about and then there's me, adding my burdens to her load.

I guess the reason that I share this is because it's more of an experience of triumph. Sister Burwell was very blunt with me about what she felt was going on with me. She talked to me about relying on the Lord for things that people can't give to us. The thing that really hit me that she shared was that it seems that there are times when I don't really believe or recognize who I really am as a daughter of God. That was hard to swallow. That forced me onto my knees. I wanted to know how I really felt. It was good to have Sister Burwell, but she doesn't know. I know that I am a daughter of God. I know how much He loves me, but what she said was great because it pushed me to strengthen that testimony and revisit that conviction that I've already gained. I spent a long time on my knees this past week. Sometimes, I would just sit on a chair in the kitchen for a while after I prayed so I could listen and feel what the Lord wanted me to learn. My prayers were answered at church. I repeatedly felt the love of my Heavenly Father. I honestly was barely listenening to what anyone said, but I was listening to the Spirit. I felt like the Savior was sitting next to me waiting for me to let Him help me. The Lord is always there with arms outstretched...that's what the scriptures teach. I need to practice what I preach, and constantly reach out for His hands. I am grateful for the trials that we go through in life. I'm grateful that I can trust in my Savior who understands me better than I undesrtand myself, and that He'll put me through the refiners fire. I'm sure it's hard for Him and for Heavenly Father to see, but they can bear it because they know what I can become as I am refined and as those impurities are burned from me. I love the Lord. He is who I need to lean on at all times, in every hour and moment.

I feel like I can't say enough how grateful I am for Sister Burwell. I'm trying to not think about her going home, because that's going to be rough for me. She's my best friend. I've never trusted someone outside of my family as much as I trust her, and she's a strength to me spiritually. I just love that our friendship was built purely on a spiritual foundation and it's propelled by our love for the Lord and for Heavenly Father's children. I really feel that she needed to serve a mission, partially, for me. I have seen the Lord work through her SO MANY TIMES to help me in my conversion process. She is an administering angel on earth, just like Elder Holland spoke about, that I get to have with me all the time. I know that when she leaves I will be ok, because I have the Lord and I will still have her, but I just don't like thinking about it. Our friendship is very special, and I actually might be able to get married someday because she's helped me so much. I'm especially grateful for her support these past few weeks as I was going through the trial that I went through. She helped me so much.

Amidst this trial that I've been facing these past few weeks, I was still able to feel the joy that comes when we forget ourselves. The hardest times for me were when I had  time to think, so I am grateful that I was kept so busy that I didn't have a ton of time to think. We saw some great miracles in our area this week, and we had very fulfilling experiences with doing training for the sisters and with going on exchanges.

I went on an exchange with Sister Reyes this week in Goleta. She's a great missionary, especially since she's only been out for a transfer and a half. She has changed a lot since we came last transfer to work with her and Sister Stoker. Their companionship is so strong. I wanted to know what had changed that helped them be so united, because the other sisters really need that in their companionships. They've both humbled themselves toward each other, but really toward the Lord. I can see that they're both so focused on understanding and doing the will of the Lord, that it naturally unifies them. It's amazing because so often I would share something with Sister Reyes from Preach My Gospel or the scriptures, and she would say that she and Sister Stoker had been discussing that recently. Sister Reyes has such a nice way about her. She's very natural with the people we teach and is never trying to be someone else. She just teaches what she knows and bears powerful testimony of Jesus Christ. Honestly, I didn't really know what to tell her to work on specifically because all the things that she can improve on will just come with time. It felt good to build her up and let her know that she is doing well. We all need to hear that we're doing well sometimes; not because we're prideful, but because we're human. Sister Reyes and I actually experienced a great miracle on our exchange. We drove to try a potential investigator that we had planned to see at that specific time, but when we got there Sister Reyes realized that she and Sister Stoker had already spoken to this person and he wasn't interested. She suggested that we move on with our plans and just do what we planned in the next half hour, but I felt like we had planned to be there for a reason. I told her we just need to talk to one person and we can move on to our next planned activity. We got out of the car and tried a few doors on that street where she and Sister Stoker hadn't talked to anyone. No one answered. I started feeling like "oh boy, am I wasting the Lord's time with this?" I pushed that idea aside and told myself that I had received a prompting and we were going to obey it. We went to a connecting street to try to find a house that they hadn't already talked to people at. There was one house that had a car in front of it, so I suggested that we try that house. We met a woman named Natasha there. We began to teach her the restoration and Sister Reyes was teaching her about how we have a Heavenly Father who loves us. When I looked up she was crying. She told us that she had been having a really hard day and that she couldn't believe that we were at her door. We testified of the divinity and reality of Jesus Christ as our Savior and how we can have a personal relationship with Him. She accepted the opportunity to learn more and the sisters will be going back this week to teach her! That was amazing! Planning is a divine activity. Absolutely. I am grateful for the guidance of the Spirit and the blessing the Lord grants us when we are obedient.

I also had a great exchange with Sister Snow in Santa Maria. She and Sister Higgins are perfect for each other. Sister Snow is so hard for me to read, so I constantly felt like I was second guessing the advice and feedback I was giving to her. We talked a lot about leadership and what it means to be a leader because I know that's something she strives for. I shared my experience with her about when I was asked to have this assignment. I never wanted to be a traveling sister/sister training leader. It was the last thing on my list of "to dos" but the Lord had other plans for me. I felt really strongly that I needed to testify of the Lord's plan for us and that we need to follow the Spirit and gain the confirmation that what we're doing is a part of His plan. Aspiring to be a leader isn't what the Savior would have done, because that would have made things about Him. We talked a lot about motives and what should drive our actions. I think she was really listening, but tries to act like she already knows these things. I'm not sure why, but it just felt like that. She is a great missionary and a really good person. She wants to be the best she can be, and she will be as she allows the Lord to make her into that person.

We have some amazing investigators that the Lord is allowing us to teach right now, and He just keeps blessing us with miracles whenever we're in our area. Diana, an investigator we've taught a few times, made HUGE strides forward in her progression in just two days. We went over on Saturday afternoon for our appointment with her. When she opened the door she looked so tired. She told us that she had been taking a "power nap" and wasn't feeling the best. We ignored the last part and went right in. She had tons of laundry all over her living room that she had just washed, so we sat down and started folding it for her. She fought us at first about it, but eventually gave in. I think she secretly wanted us to help. We watched the Restoration DVD while we folded so she could gain a better understanding of Joseph Smith and what he did means for her. She enjoyed the movie and shared that she really felt like she identifies with Joseph. She said she's been confused about what to do. We talked to her about baptism and invited her to be baptized on November 9th. She responded by saying, "Woah. November 9th? That has a really nice ring to it." She accepted the invitation to prepare for the 9th. When we were teaching her, she talked about how she never really gets time to herself and that she feels like everyone in her home (her boyfriend, dad, brother and 4 kids) don't really understand her. Well, that's what the Relief Society is for. We invited her to come to the Relief Society dinner and broadcast with us that evening and she immediately said yes! She loved it so much! She met so many people and she really felt the Spirit. Even just during the dinner, I asked her what she thought and she said that she just felt really good being there. She felt super positive and happy. At the tables for dinner, there were these cute little magnets that had a quote from Elder Ballard about service. She asked us to round up any extras because she wanted to give them to her friends with an invite to church! She's doing missionary work and she isn't even baptized yet! Yesterday, she came to church as well. She had to bring her newborn baby, Nico, with her. It was a miracle because he slept through all three hours of church. She said he's never slept so long! The members in the ward were very welcoming and inviting toward Diana. All of the young moms that we were hoping she would meet came right up to her and said hello. They got her phone number so they can invite her to "park days" and other things that they do together, and I was so grateful for that. Diana is really looking for some good friends that she can go to for help and support. I just love her. She kept telling everyone that she's getting baptized
on November 9th and was inviting them to come. The craziest part was that Jed used to be her teacher in high school because Diana is only 26! That's a miracle, too! We feel like maybe Jed can get through to Diana's boyfriend so we can teach him to so they can get married. We'll see, I guess.

Jed is doing really well. He and Stefanie came to all three hours of church again and really enjoyed it. We had a lesson with them after church and it is so obvious how much the Lord is blessing them for the sacrifices and changes they're making to follow Him in their lives. Stefanie talked about how close Jed is to the Lord, and I know it's true. He wants to do what Heavenly Father expects of him. That's why he went to church last week without Stefanie. He understands what's most important. Stefanie talked about how with OCD he usually isn't very flexible, but he is so flexible when it comes to things related to church. To me he just seems so much more at peace. He reads in the scriptures and Ensigns everyday and I can see the light in his eyes becoming even brighter. His baptism is going to be so amazing. I seriously can't wait. I wish it would just get here already!

I'm doing well. The Lord is aware of me and He is helping me continue on amid sunshine or rain. That's the truth.


I love you,
Sister Bennett

My desk

This is where we did all of our planning